I miss the days when the path ahead of me was clear…

Maybe I’m PMSing.  Maybe I’ve got valid reason to be exhausted and tired.  But I miss the days when the path ahead of me was clear.  It’s not that I want to plan my life out.  I just miss the days when I could dream without fearing the consequences.  I guess that is part of becoming an adult and having to be responsible for your family.  But I am convinced, after having a family it is very difficult to allow yourself to have aspirations.

I’m sure many of you can empathize.  There is a lot of guilt accompanied with thinking about something you want to do individually once you get married and have kids.  You are constantly questioning if a decision is ultimately best for the family.  This can be something as big as taking a new job to something as small as going to get a haircut.  Lately, I’ve felt that we’re living in survival mode.  Reacting to the latest budget buster.  Being dumped on at work with more responsibilities, because they know you won’t try to leave.  Who would leave their job nowadays?  Barely keeping up with managing the house.  Running on vapor.  Don’t get me wrong.  I feel totally blessed, but I wish I didn’t let surviving the daily grind keep me from enjoying the journey as much as I do.

So I just accepted another contract opportunity to work with online learning.  A totally exciting blessing! I have worked with them before in editing gifted science curriculum.  Now I will be a curriculum writer for instructional technology. Yes, I have an additional full-time job as well.  Do I really want to add another obligation to my already tight schedule?  The mom and wife in me says no.  My bank account says yes.  My resume says this may help me move on to new professional opportunities.  What would be my ideal situation?  It will have to be having the luxury of not needing the full-time job.  But we need the money.  I need the professional fulfillment.  I need to dream that it can lead to something bigger for me. 

And yet I feel guilty.

Because considering the economic climate, there is little certainty in fulfilling professional aspirations.  Will this venture be in vain? 

The main thing that allows me to resolve taking chances like this, is that it may be a good model for my daughters.  I love being a mom.  I love having the primary role of helping raise them to be amazing women who contribute for the good of the world.   I hope when they become adults…and even more when they become mothers, they remember to allow themselves to keep dreaming.  I hope they see that they can pursue their own goals while leading a loving and supportive family who enjoys life together.  Decisions weigh heavier and the consequences aren’t as clear.  But balancing being a good mother/wife with self-fulfillment should be considered organic and complementary. 




One thought on “I miss the days when the path ahead of me was clear…

  1. Balancing on a beam requires a lot of muscles to work together. Those muscles have to be trained and strained! There’s definitely nothing easy about trying to achieve balance! Good luck mama. And congrats on the new contract!

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